New Directions

People come, people go.
I've heard that saying, there are over 6 billion people in this world, but all that matters is one?
A significant change in opinion has washed over me over the last year, graduated to a new city, new life, right? The mindset is to make as many friends as possible, 'network', party hard.
Its all in efforts to dispel the loneliness.
For the most part, people need people.
Isn't that so weak?

When people go to parties, what do they want out of it? To meet people and possibly hook up? Just add to the friend count on facebook?
When I go, I guess I can categorize it under 'whatever I can get'.
Thinking I don't mind making new friends, more is always merrier.

Recently, the more I meet the more lonely I feel.
Its easy to be friendly and fake with anyone; these acquaintances mean nothing in the long run.
I had decided to 'lower my standards' due to urging of my friends if I ever had hopes of any type of relationship with a boy.
It helped open up, but after a few months I've come to the realization that maybe I'm just wasting my time with people I don't reciprocate with.
It makes me wonder: why are there so many people, but it seems like none of them are meant for me?
The probability of Girl A liking Guy B is not too low.
But the probability of Guy B reciprocating those feelings for Girl A... well that's another issue.
And vice versa.
I feel like it will never happen for me.
I've had the urge to reach out and draw my existing friends closer and turn acquaintances into actual friendships.
Wouldn't it be so nice to know that someone is always there?
Unconditional care.
I've learned that life doesn't just give you what you want. If you so desire something, its up to you to achieve it.
And so frustrating when these attempts are met with failure.
The one time I developed true interest in one guy, it ended in more than failure. I know my feelings weren't pure, I just loved the idea of him.
More recently, my attempt in reconnecting with someone I decided I want to be more close to me was met with a less than lukewarm response.
Why can't I have the only few people I care about?

I've realized that as an individual, I cannot accept everyone, for I have standards. Perhaps the bitchiest and most selfish thing I have ever said, but I know it goes for a lot of other people too.
I remembered why my standards were so high in the first place,
Its unhealthy and unreasonable to want everything I can't have, but I would rather end up alone than settle for anything less. That would be like living a lie.

At times I crave closeness to people, other times I'm glad to be by myself because I'm easily sickened by people.
Before I was fine with keeping a distance, but as of late I hunger for more.
With every new acquaintance, I analyze the potential and the people of interest aren't interested and the ones of no interest are interested.
What a bitch thing to say.
Do I not feel interest because it already exists one way?
Maybe.
There is a lot of conflict, a lot of thought.

And it just keeps me up, night after night.